Humor

 

Insults

All men are pigs, especially you, sir. Unfortunately, I can't eat pork.

Christianity in a Nutshell [Kristendom i en nötskal - Sarcasm] 2'

Life as a Pastor (priest)

• Sermon:
  • A pastor gave a great sermon (talk). One of the elders took a look at the pastor's notes and saw in the margin the note: "Argument weak here. Yell like hell."
• Skiing on a Sunday
  • Snow piled up in Vermont. The roads were blocked. The only way for the young pastor (priest) to get to church on Sunday was to ski. But skiing was considered fun. Fun things were not OK on Sundays in that strict congregation (församling). The elders demanded that the pastor explain his behavior:
    • Elders: "Why did you ski on a Sunday?"
    • Pastor: "That was the only way to get to church"
    • Elders: "We understand that. But we have one more question:
      Did you enjoy it?"

New Age

• manypathstogod.com/new-age-jokes.html

Adam & Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!" Eve said.

→ Background: God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve (according to the Old Testament). Therefore, many people think that women have one more rib bone than men. But they don't.

A Fundie's Questions (Fundamentalist, here in the Old Testament)

 

• When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
• I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
• I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
• Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
• I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
• A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
• Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
• I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

The Great Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

Pun

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect-except the clone used extraordinarily foul language.

The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in so many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.

The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it didn’t look like murder. The best thing, it seemed, was to make the clone’s death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

Accept Help

A man caught in a flood prayed to God for help. While he was on his knees praying, a police officer came to the door and offered to evacuate him, but he said, “No thanks, Officer, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and resumed his prayers.

Then a person in a rowboat came by as the waters were rising, and the man said, “No thanks, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and continued praying to God for help.

The waters continued to rise and the man had to climb onto his roof. At last a helicopter came with a ladder and the pilot told him to climb aboard. He again refused, all the while sitting on the roof and praying to God. Finally the waters covered him and he drowned.

After he got to heaven he told God how disappointed he was that God didn’t answer his prayers. God said, “What do you mean I didn’t answer? I sent a police officer, a rowboat and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

Talkative

Shorts

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You life is your message to the world. Make sure it's inspiring.

I can. I will. End of story.